by In the past, it was considered a cliché that it was mainly men who were prone to infidelity. Today, it is clear that women also cheat – and not too rarely. In the rarest of cases, their partners know nothing about it.
The question of why cheating is a top priority for almost all those affected.
However, it is not always easy to find an answer. An “it just happened” usually sounds like a lame excuse. Psychology has long been trying to uncover the real reasons for this in studies. The fact that a fling does not necessarily involve an unhappy relationship is surprising.
The reasons for cheating
For almost everyone, love and fidelity are the cornerstones of a happy relationship. Nevertheless, a study by the “German Medical Journal” showed that 15 to 21 percent cheat in a partnership. Evolution is often used as an excuse: “Monogamous behavior is simply not in our nature.”
Psychologist Jerika Norona of the University of Tennessee found in a study that the reasons are more varied. The study surveyed 104 adults, including 60 percent women and 40 percent men. The average age was 22. The peculiarity: they all cheated in the past year. Around 73 percent of them said they had not been happy in their relationship. They didn’t get enough attention from their partner or craved passion.
22 percent of the participants felt constrained in their relationship. They were unable to develop and realize themselves. Developmental psychologists see the problem in the age of the respondents. Cheating is supposed to promote personal development. Young adults often do not yet want to become completely dependent.
To gain experience, they therefore look for something that is different from their own partners. The attraction of the new is therefore a main reason for a fling. “When emotional security has been achieved and a state of satisfaction should set in, the opposite often happens, and the need for variety, for adventure, for risk, for pulse quickening announces itself,” says sex therapist Ulrich Clement.
Role models, traumatic experiences, alcohol, adventurousness.
Some people are also driven to a fling only by jealousy in the relationship. If a feeling of control and jealousy arises, the relationship is questioned. As a result of this distrust, both then question the partnership. What follows may be the apprehension that led to the predicament in the first place – a fling.
The cause of jealousy and the tendency to infidelity can be one’s own background. If a variety of separations and ruptures are experienced in childhood, this can lead to later insecurity within relationships. Author Victor Chu writes in his book “Of the Difficult Art of Being Faithful: Why We Betray What We Love,” that children may also see their parents as role models in this regard. If they have been unfaithful, this can lead to a loss of basic trust. Children can thus become afraid of too much closeness, which makes them prone to infidelity.
Traumatic experiences such as sexual abuse can also lead to insecurity within relationships and thus to infidelity.
It is interesting that according to studies both a very low as well as a too high self-esteem tends to lead to infidelity.
However, there are also much simpler reasons for infidelity, as an online survey by three U.S. researchers shows – for example, excessive alcohol or a thirst for adventure.
Experiences of people who cheat
In experience reports of unfaithful people, these reasons can be found again. Thus Lara (25) tells in a mirror interview that it went to her with her boyfriend simply too fast. She felt constricted and was therefore attracted to someone completely different from her boyfriend. With this carefree and spontaneous man, she thought, “I’ll get on any plane with him and off we go.”
She told her boyfriend that she was going to visit friends and spent a weekend with the new guy. There it came to the sex and the final break of the relationship with her boyfriend. But it didn’t work out with the new guy either, and after less than four months it was over.
“After that, I asked myself very often why I broke out. I think that in situations like that, I’m all about attention and wanting something new.” So the affirmation from her partner was still there, it just didn’t count as much for Lara as it did at the beginning of the relationship.
Leo (35) is also in a relationship with another woman apart from his marriage. Unlike Lara, however, his own wife knows nothing about it. “It all started because my wife cheated on me.” Because of this hurt, Leo himself cheated several times.
His wife has been faithful ever since, but for him this experience has changed something. “I sleep with other women and I don’t feel guilty anymore.” For him, monogamy is no longer an issue. Still, he doesn’t want to tell his wife about it. For fear of losing his family. “I have no idea how long this will last.”
Different reasons from men and women
Men and women have partly different reasons to desire and pursue an affair or a one-night stand. A study by “The Journal of Sex Research” found that men often lack variety in bed, making sex life boring for them.
In addition, their own masculinity must be proven. Even in a long-term relationship, a man still wants to be able not only to desire another woman, but also to seduce her.
Women, on the other hand, often lack attention and tenderness within the relationship, according to the study. They get too little attention and thus do not receive emotional affirmation.
The flight from relationship problems is independent of gender. A main reason for cheating is, of course, still an unhappy partnership. If both parties no longer understand each other as well as they did at the beginning and only argue, they look for affection in other people’s beds.
This study again showed that alcohol leads to a boisterous mood and thus more likely to a fling.
Do only unhappy people cheat?
A single person cannot cover all needs for a lifetime. In the initial infatuation phase, everything is still exciting and new. After some time, trust and security grow, but the passion and the unknown continue to diminish.
Sex and everyday things become a habit, the desire for the early days of the relationship increases. Since you probably won’t get this back in your own partnership, you look elsewhere.
The feelings within the relationship have not necessarily changed into the negative and the partnership is overall fulfilling and beautiful. Nevertheless, there are sexual needs and a desire that can no longer be satisfied. And so even happy couples suddenly find themselves in the beds of others.
So within the relationship, both parties can be happy and still cheat.
